


The Lies We Tell Ourselves

by VeryMauk_aGast



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drabble, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gentle Kissing, I Made Myself Cry, Love, M/M, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Song Lyrics, Well based on song lyrics anyway, Widofjord Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 17:35:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19322899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VeryMauk_aGast/pseuds/VeryMauk_aGast
Summary: Quick WidoFjord drabble about lies and love.





	The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Caleb lies.

It’s something he’s always done. The lies are easier than the truth. Easier than people prying. More palatable than acknowledging the darkness and demons inside him.

He lies about stupid things. When Nott asks if he ate breakfast. When Jester asks how his studies are going. Why he doesn’t want to go out.

And Caleb lies about the bigger things. His past. His present. The way he feels nothing at all the vast majority of the time, and how if he does feel something it’s usually fear, shame, or gnawing sadness.

But there’s one sentence that has never been a lie. One small grain of truth in his otherwise false existence. “ _Ich liebe dich_ , Fjord.” Those words are far too precious to twist with Caleb’s bullshit. Those words will always ring true. Always.

Those times when they’re together, hushed and soft under the moonlight, Caleb swears he can feel again. Swears that there’s really color in the world, and music in the air.

And when Fjord whispers back to him, reverent and adoring, “I love you, too, Caleb.” Sometimes… sometimes he believes it. Caleb wants to believe that those words are as sacred to Fjord as they are to him, even if he knows he doesn’t deserve them to be true.

When he’s with Fjord, it’s easier to believe. Believe that maybe, just maybe, he might be worth something. Might be good for something. If someone as breathtakingly wonderful and good as Fjord could find some worth in him, maybe it's there after all.

So for the night, Caleb can push the darkness away. For the night, he feels alive. He feels love.

And the truth feels good. So good.

***

“The world around me, is lost in misery.

The only good I’ve got in my life is you.

No meaning, no other reason,

When everything feels wrong,

I feel right with you.

 ...

You are what I believe,

I'll live and die for you.

This is all that I need

When nothing is real you are my truth.

In the darkness, you shine

Can you keep me safe tonight?

When I’m down on my knees,

You are what I believe.”

 

-“What I Believe” by Skillet

***

Fjord aches.

He knows that Caleb lies. He knows about the pain the human goes through. Fjord knows all too much about that pain. Feeling worthless, feeling like there isn’t a single speck of goodness inside of you… It’s familiar. It’s agonizing, and it’s eating Caleb alive.

So Fjord tries. He tries to ensure the human eats. Puts extra effort into finding things Caleb likes. Hooks his leg around Caleb’s under the table while they sit. Strokes his hair while they fall asleep at night. Provides a solid presence on days where all Caleb can feel is the crushing weight of darkness.

Fjord isn’t stupid enough to believe that he can make it all go away. He isn’t naive. Caleb’s scars run much deeper than the flesh on his arms. The truth beneath Caleb’s carefully woven lies hurts. It hurts because it’s not true at all.

Caleb only thinks it’s the truth.

Fjord has his own truth, though. Caleb is priceless. Caleb is undeniably incredible. Caleb is more than the monsters from his past.

To Fjord, Caleb is everything.

All he wants is for Caleb to understand just how loved he truly is. Realize his worth. So Fjord presses his truth into Caleb’s skin with soft lips and gentle hands. Whispers it against Caleb’s hair. Let’s his heart sing with the truth, and hopes that one day Caleb’s truth will release its cold grip on the human, and let the warmth and love he deserves replace it.

It won’t happen quickly, and it may never happen at all. But for Caleb, Fjord would willingly die trying.

***

“‘ _I_ _Just came to say goodbye._

_Didn’t want you to see me cry. I’m fine.'_

But I know it’s a lie.

 

This is the last night you’ll spend alone.

Look me in the eyes so I know you know,

I’m everywhere you want me to be.

The last night you’ll spend alone,

I’ll wrap you in my arms and I won’t let go.

I’m everything you need me to be.”

 

-"The Last Night" by Skillet

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the Widofjord Discord group for putting up with my angsty ass and giving me extra inspiration.
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated! Much love, everyone <3


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